To my horror, I found myself again feeling discontent and down, though everyone gets down every now and then, my reason is irrational and trivial. Only now that I'm logged onto my blog, do I feel like I am beginning to find my centre and my balance. The sound of the kettle beginning to boil veils the sound of running water. I am running a bath, hoping to meditate for a bit, and nothing is quite so calming, and quite so effective, in getting rid of all thoughts and helping me in achieving gnosis, like a bath would.

My feet hurt, but in a soothing, relaxed sort of way, because I have finally taken off the high heel boots that I had been in since 7:50 a.m. this morning. Now that my feet are finally allowed to be flat on the floor, no restrains and no harness to keep them in any specific shape but their own, natural shape. They're not beautiful or delicate, the soles are covered in thick, tough callouses, and the heels are quite dry around the edges, but they're my feet and I wear my battle scars with pride. After all, what to do?

Ah the coffee tastes good, though it is just instant, Nescafe stuff, with a small tea spoon of honey, not enough to take away the bitterness completely, but just a hint, of the promise of the taste there is, and a dash of milk... to take away the hard edge of boiled water. I didn't turn on the comedy DVD like I usually do when I come through the door, as a few minutes are required, for quiet reflection, or maybe more precisely, for trying to think of absolutely nothing at all. Alas there is one thought that is predominantly in my mind at the moment, and it is not the best of thoughts, and the power of thought can be projected into the universe, and that then in turn affects all that around me and all that would happen to me and those who I love, so let's try and concentrate on just the now...

Be grateful that there is a beautiful flat to come back to, that there is coffee in the jar, that the hot water and radiators are all working again, that the coffee tastes just the way I like it, that the barista at Cafe Nero today was so friendly and so warm, though they were just doing their jobs but still... be grateful also, that I am finally getting paid for my job, no longer an unpaid intern, that I have my health, that my parents are both healthy and looking younger by the day due to the care and attention they pay to their diet and exercise regime, that I have friends who have never left me, I was depressed, angry, sad, happy, poor, stupid, they have never left me and never stopped believing in me, be grateful that on my way to the cafe after work, I bumped into a friend who I thought was not working today, turned out she was and we were able to spend a couple of lovely hours together chatting outside the stage door of the theatre where she works, be grateful for everything that I had, even if I have lost them, everything that I have right now, past is important but there is no need to dwell because they are all happening simultaneously right. Now. The future is important only in the sense that it will also, in time, becomes the. Now. For all the friends that I have, and for all the people who didn't like me or don't like me, my existence is an existence because of them, friend or foe. Most of all be grateful that I can love, I dare to love, and that there is someone who reciprocates it. He is worthy of so much, an inspiration, and my judgement, as far as he is concern, is more accurate than ever. He is the person that I think and believe that he is, and that in itself is enough to be grateful for a lifetime's worth.

Ah now... that feels better...